Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Your Future Finalist

After giving it a medium amount of thought, I am very excited to announce my candidacy to be a finalist for the National Book Award. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the program, the National Book Award is this thing where they put a foil sticker on your book. Then people buy your book because they like stickers. Needless to say, that sounds like exactly the sort of thing I can get behind. And so here we are.

However, I want to emphasize that I am not announcing my candidacy to win the National Book Award. I only want to be a finalist. I'm not greedy. Also, my book isn't about World War II or anything so I don't expect it to win any major literary awards. But a finalist? Why not? I think Al Roker was a finalist one year. It's like jury duty.

So I don't anticipate it being difficult for my book to become a finalist. But! I really want that foil sticker, so I'm not taking any chances. That's why I'm announcing my candidacy publicly. I wanted to make sure that all you Seth-heads out there would know to cast your votes for The Great Frustration.

Now, I know what you're saying: Seth doesn't have devoted fans who refer to themselves as Seth-heads. And also you're saying: Readers don't get to vote for which books win or are finalists for the National Book Award.

Well, guess what? You've just given yourself two pieces of super wrong information: 1.) No such thing as a Seth-head? Then how do you explain the fact that my brother bought ten copies of my book? Or the fact that my morbidly obese basset hound, Hermione, worships the ground I walk on? And don't try to tell me that she's just looking for food that I may have dropped. 2.) Last time I checked, the US was a democracy. A really, really messed up democracy. Furthermore, the US is a nation and "national" is an adjective meaning "of or relating to a nation." ERGO, the National Book Award might as well be called the Get Your Votes In Award.

So if you'd like to vote for my book, just write the National Book Foundation a strongly worded letter. Or you can tweet at them here:

twitter.com/nationalbook

Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. So when you're recommending my book to them, make sure to be as rude as you feel comfortable being.

That's all for now Seth-heads! I know I can count on your votes.