Das Kolumne #10

Das Kolumne #10 is up over at Tin House. This installment is a healthy mix of writing advice and basic iguana care advice.

I suggest you mix up a couple of hot toddies for you and the special lizard in your life, then drag your computer monitor into a hammock for some relaxing blog reading. You can let my literary humor column rock you gently to sleep while Dr. Grooper's Extra-Strength Lizard Expectorant courses perniciously through your blood stream.

I can't think of a better way to spend this fine Monday morning. But then again, I'm a maniac.

READOMMENDATION: Godforsaken Idaho

If you look at how infrequently I use this blog to recommend things that weren't written by me, then you should be able to infer that Godforsaken Idaho is a pretty rare treat of a book.

That said, while I might be okay talking about someone else's short stories, I understand that as devoted "Seth-heads" you might not feel comfortable reading fiction that wasn't written by me. In that case, I encourage you to cross out Shawn Vestal's name on your copy of Godforsaken Idaho and replace it with mine.

Then you can tell your friends that you're reading a fantastic collection by Seth Fried, which is full of vastly entertaining and insightful stories. Anyway, that's what I did with my copy of Vestal's book. So far I'm really pleased with the responses I've been getting.

Daily Writing Tip #238: Wear A Baby Björn With A Hoagie In It

WRITING TIP #238:

Ron Carlson once wrote, "The writer understands that to stand up from the desk is to fail, and to leave the room is so radical and thorough a failure as to not be reversible." I agree with this sentiment wholeheartedly. A writer must stay in the room and face the difficulty of the task at hand without giving in to easy distractions. That said, if I stay at my desk too long, my blood sugar drops and I start to describe all of my characters as being “assholes” with “smelly faces.” That’s why I always wear a baby björn with a giant hoagie in it when I write. As soon as I start getting that urge to throw my protagonist down a spiral staircase or to have him be attacked by a swarm of eagles, I just reach down for some hoagie goodness, replenishing my blood sugar without getting up from my desk.

BONUS TIP: 

Try to avoid sandwiches with a strong odor, such as egg salad or grilled limburger. These can be distracting while you’re trying to write. Also, they will require you to clean out your baby björn with a pressure hose after each use.  

Das Kolumne #9

Oh, folks. Folks folks folks folks. You do not want to miss the new Das Kolumne.

As you might have guessed, it features a picture of a giraffe on roller skates heading toward the edge of a cliff and drinking out of a beer helmet. What else do you want from the internet? What else is there to want?

Click HERE to read it and click HERE to read it again.

Apocalypse Now

A short story from The Great Frustration has been anthologized in Apocalypse Now: Poems and Prose from the End of Days. I'm honored to have my work featured alongside Margaret Atwood, Joyce Carol Oates, Kelly Link, Brian Evenson, and tons of other great people. You can check out the full list of contributors here.