As Requested By @sharndhah, Here Are 30 Adjectives That Rhyme With Mary And Are Superior To "Contrary"

Pulmonary

Mercenary

Inflationary

Scary

Hairy

Missionary

Sedimentary

Sanitary

Planetary

Very

Coronary

Honorary

Probationary

Expeditionary

Valetudinary

Parliamentary

Unnecessary

Binary

Preliminary

Reactionary

Pecuniary

Functionary

Sedentary

Centenary

Customary

Corollary

Disciplinary

Veterinary

Budgetary

Tertiary

Animalcula Wins Pushcart Prize

Put on your good news helmets, kids! I just found out that an excerpt from The Great Frustration, which originally appeared in The Kenyon Review, has been selected for a Pushcart Prize.

The story is called Animalcula. You can learn more about its appearance in The Kenyon Review here. This is my second Pushcart win, the first being for Frost Mountain Picnic Massacre in 2011.

Both Pushcart stories are included in The Great Frustration, along with several other stories which have not won Pushcart Prizes and which should therefore be ignored or, even better, RIPPED FROM THE BINDING.

The Importance of Being Affected

It's time for the second installment of Das Kolumne, my monthly feature for Tin House. This month I look at the important history of writerly affectations in an essay that is very serious and well-written.

Other topics covered:

-The two types of polygamy
-Cosmetic back braces
-Owl urine
-Robert Frost's bee sting addiction
-Etc.

 Read it here.

First Annual Seth Fried FUN-raiser for Funds

Being Seth Fried has always been a service that I have offered to the world completely free of charge. This is something that I have been more than happy to do. After all, with the exception of my monthly bath, being Seth Fried is lots of fun. However, it is also not without its costs. Every day I have to struggle under the financial burden of paying for food, shelter, clothing, and my obsessive desire to crash rental cars.

That is why I am excited to announce my First Annual Seth Fried FUN-raiser for Funds. This is a chance for all the people who actively enjoy me to show their appreciation. Participants can choose from the list of donation levels below and then send me the money using whatever electronic transfer service they prefer.

DONATION LEVELS 

$5

Neutral Acquaintance

$10

Stranger With Kind Eyes

$20

Well-wisher

$30

Concubine

$40

"Friend"

$50

Friend

$75

Friend With Benefits

$100

Pretend Uncle

$200

Pretend Uncle With Benefits

$300

Pontiff

$350

Unstoppable Robot Pontiff

$500

Seth's Angel

$700

Seth's Golden Angel

$1,000

Demoniclops The Angel Crusher

$5,000

Godzilla's Father

$10,000

Sex Genius

$50,000

Colleague

$100,000

Platinum Colleague With Benefits

$1,000,000

Higgs Boson

Das Kolumne

The fact that I am now writing a monthly column for Tin House is one of those rare instances of something being both awesome and VERY awesome. The column is called Das Kolumne, and it will serve as a record of my deepest and most important insights about life, which no it won't actually. It will include words like "barf" and fake anecdotes about Edgar Allen Poe biting editors. Click here, or here, or here to read it.