Das Kolumne #9

Oh, folks. Folks folks folks folks. You do not want to miss the new Das Kolumne.

As you might have guessed, it features a picture of a giraffe on roller skates heading toward the edge of a cliff and drinking out of a beer helmet. What else do you want from the internet? What else is there to want?

Click HERE to read it and click HERE to read it again.

Apocalypse Now

A short story from The Great Frustration has been anthologized in Apocalypse Now: Poems and Prose from the End of Days. I'm honored to have my work featured alongside Margaret Atwood, Joyce Carol Oates, Kelly Link, Brian Evenson, and tons of other great people. You can check out the full list of contributors here.

Laughter Is The Best Peer-Reviewed Medical Journal

As part of my long-standing mission to make the internet safe for non-meme related humor, I currently have an essay up over at McSweeney's. You can read it here.

Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Caged Birds

There is a brand new Das Kolumne ready for you over at Tin House. You can read it HERE. It will tell you what gifts to buy your pets for the holidays. After all, just because they are your terrified prisoners doesn't mean they don't deserve presents. 

I also want to encourage you to check out the Das Kolumne Archive, which is being maintained at the taxpayer's expense HERE. In the archive you will find my worldly and aggressively thoughtful advice on such topics as:

HOW TO GET AN AGENT
HOW TO WRITE EROTIC FICTION
HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL WHILE HIGH ON OWL URINE
AND MORE.

Update? Update!

Well, it has been two months since I have posted anything here. But I don't want you to think it's because I've forgotten you, my dear Seth-heads. No, no, no. It's because I've been deliberately negligent.

Anyway, some things:

-There are two new installments of Das Kolumne ready for your perusal 1) How to Write Erotic Fiction and 2) 5 1/2 Writers Under 11. Both are important and well-written.

-A story I wrote called The Frenchman is now available online over at The Barceonla Review.

-Oh, and also: THAT'S IT.