Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Caged Birds

There is a brand new Das Kolumne ready for you over at Tin House. You can read it HERE. It will tell you what gifts to buy your pets for the holidays. After all, just because they are your terrified prisoners doesn't mean they don't deserve presents. 

I also want to encourage you to check out the Das Kolumne Archive, which is being maintained at the taxpayer's expense HERE. In the archive you will find my worldly and aggressively thoughtful advice on such topics as:

HOW TO GET AN AGENT
HOW TO WRITE EROTIC FICTION
HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL WHILE HIGH ON OWL URINE
AND MORE.

Update? Update!

Well, it has been two months since I have posted anything here. But I don't want you to think it's because I've forgotten you, my dear Seth-heads. No, no, no. It's because I've been deliberately negligent.

Anyway, some things:

-There are two new installments of Das Kolumne ready for your perusal 1) How to Write Erotic Fiction and 2) 5 1/2 Writers Under 11. Both are important and well-written.

-A story I wrote called The Frenchman is now available online over at The Barceonla Review.

-Oh, and also: THAT'S IT.

Electric Literature's Recommended Reading

I have a brand new story up over at Electric Literature's Recommended Reading. It is called The Adventure of the Space Traveler, and you can read it for free here.

You can also check out this single sentence animation for the story, animated by the blisteringly talented Sarah Bodil and scored by the no less blisteringly talented David Rogers-Berry:

Das Kolumne: How To Get An Agent

Looking to get an agent? I tell you how in my potentially award-winning new column over on Tin House's blog. CLICK HERE.

3 Books You Should Read Before You Turn 3

Flavorwire currently has a list of 30 books you should read before you turn 30. That is an interesting idea for a list. Though, unfortunately for Flavorwire, it is not nearly as interesting as my idea for a list: 3 BOOKS YOU SHOULD READ BEFORE YOU TURN 3. See below.

1.) Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

As a baby, you have a lot of spankings ahead of you. This book could very well help you learn to enjoy them.

2.) The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli

Using Machiavelli's basic principles of leadership and manipulation, you can avoid potty training well into you mid-20's.

3.) The Real Frank Zappa Book by Frank Zappa

At this point, your knowledge of experimental rock from the last century is most likely limited to what you see on Yo Gabba Gabba!. This book will give you the inside scoop, along with more fun anecdotes about Alice Cooper and Captain Beefheart than you'll know what to do with.