Valentine's Day? More Like Stupid-Booger-Fart Day.

It’s that time of year again, folks. Valentine’s Day. It’s time to pick out your sexiest outfit, stuff it with crumpled-up newspapers, and then put it in your bed so you don’t have to sleep alone. It’s time to dim the lights, take out the good silverware, and then eat a Hungry-Man dinner across from a framed photo of Glenn Close. It's time to drink half a box of wine, eat some ice cream with your bare hands, and then wander around town paying panhandlers to say the words "I love you" while giving you eye contact.

In short, it is time for the single grimmest holiday of the year. Or rather, the grimmest holiday of the year for singles.

For people in committed relationships, Valentine’s Day is just another fun reason to go to Applebee’s on a Tuesday. But for single people, it is a day of intense and focused hatred of other people's happiness. All the things about Valentine’s Day that couples enjoy (flowers, handholding, scented candles, movies in which Reese Witherspoon and/or Paul Rudd almost don’t get to be with a person of equivalent attractiveness but then do, hot tubs, cookie cakes shaped like hearts, back rubs, smiling, doing it, etc.) serve as painful reminders for a single person that he or she is alone, grotesque, and unlovable.

So for all you single folk looking to celebrate this holiday in a manner that reflects your actual mood, why not read a book that explores the theme of frustration and solitude in a cathartic, uplifting way? Instead of crying your eyes out while watching Something's Gotta Give on TBS, why not feel comforted in your solitude by stories like The Misery of the Conquistador, The Scribes' Lament, Lie Down and Die, and Frost Mountain Picnic Massacre? Drown out all the trite happiness of your couple friends with 190 pages of gleeful, existential havoc. That's right, it's the perfect time of year to read The Great Frustration.

Anyway, that's definitely how I would plan to spend today, if it weren't for the fact that I'm going to be making out in a hot air balloon with my fiancé Natasha.

Søren Kierkegaard wants to tell you about some of my upcoming events...

If you go see Seth Fried read at NYU’s Lillian Vernon Creative Writers House on Thursday, February 9 at 7pm, you will regret it. If you do not go see Seth Fried read at NYU’s Lillian Vernon Creative Writers House on Thursday, February 9 at 7pm, you will regret it. If you go or you do not go, you will regret both; whether you go or do not go, you will regret both. If you partake of the free wine and cheese, you will regret it. If you do not partake of the free wine and cheese, you will regret it. If you do or do not partake, you will regret both; whether or not you do or do not partake, you will regret both.

If you go see Seth Fried read at PowerHouse Arena on Wednesday, February 15 at 7pm for The Milan Review release party, you will regret it. If you do not go see Seth Fried read at PowerHouse Arena on February 15 at 7pm for The Milan Review release party, you will regret it. If you go or you do not go, you will regret both; whether you go or do not go, you will regret both.

If you go see Seth Fried on NPR’s Selected Shorts on Wednesday, February 22 at 7pm, you will regret it. If you do not go see Seth Fried on NPR’s Selected Shorts on February 22 at 7pm, you will regret it. If you go or do not go, you will regret both; whether you go or do not go, you will regret both. If you download the episode as a podcast on your ipod, you will regret it. If do not download the episode as a podcast on your ipod, you will regret it. If you cast the episode on your pod or you do not cast the episode on your pod, you will regret both; whether you cast or do not cast, you will regret both.

This is the sum of all practical wisdom.

The Best Books of 1911

A Nice Plain Piece of Wood by Richard Sussers

The Straight Poop by Lewis Nunthrow

How Dry Was Thy Hay by Esther Goyt

The Noble Sifter by C. Weatherlord Crumbjunk III

Monkey Trouble by Dr. Annabell Readwrite

About A Nickel's Worth by Lieutenant Rooster F. Woosh

The Hopping Duck of Catsmooch County by Myrtle Q. Flightrisk

A Bowl With Some Stamps In It by Frank Wedge, DDS

Pimple! by Josiah Welcott

The Curious Case of the Long, Eventless Afternoon by M. Scott Bleaklife

Holiday Love

The Great Frustration has been receiving some end-of-the-year love. Here's a quick rundown:

Michael Schaub over at The Millions said that The Great Frustration was the best book he read in 2011. The National Book Critics Circle's Critical Mass called TGF, "certainly one of the most original and startling short story collections of the year." McNally Jackson named it as one of their staff picks over at Gothamist. The MJ staff made special mention of my book due to its inclusion of, "science and sex and explosions." I believe what they meant was science and sexplosions. Opening Ceremony, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Largehearted Boy, Flavorwire, Art Faccia, Heavy Feather Review, and Big Other all included TGF on their best of the year lists. The awesome Corinna Barsan also included a story from TGF in her list of favorite short stories over at Storyville. The also awesome Penina Roth included the same story in her list of favorites as well.

I'm deeply grateful to all of the above for their support of TGF. Thank you to anyone who read and/or talked about the book. I wish you all an excruciatingly happy, mind-bendingly joyful holiday season!

The Great Fraudstration

As many of you already know, I have come under fire recently due to some issues regarding The Great Frustration, a book that I published early last year with Counterpoint Press/Soft Skull. This matter has already been written about a great deal, and before things develop further I just wanted to address the situation in my own words.

There has been some speculation that certain passages of my book were fictionalized for dramatic effect. As much as I would like to deny these allegations, the truth of the matter is that I can't. In fact, all of the accounts in The Great Frustration were fabricated. I made up the entire book.

I just want to take this opportunity to express my regret. I have let down my family, my friends, my wives, and my countless, countless fans. But while the book is a work of pure fiction, I would like to point out that there are many kinds of truth. I hope that all the aspects of The Great Frustration that people have enjoyed until now won't be overshadowed by my poor judgement and dishonesty.

Sincerely,
Seth "Hambone" Fried