Valentine's Day? More Like Stupid-Booger-Fart Day.

It’s that time of year again, folks. Valentine’s Day. It’s time to pick out your sexiest outfit, stuff it with crumpled-up newspapers, and then put it in your bed so you don’t have to sleep alone. It’s time to dim the lights, take out the good silverware, and then eat a Hungry-Man dinner across from a framed photo of Glenn Close. It's time to drink half a box of wine, eat some ice cream with your bare hands, and then wander around town paying panhandlers to say the words "I love you" while giving you eye contact.

In short, it is time for the single grimmest holiday of the year. Or rather, the grimmest holiday of the year for singles.

For people in committed relationships, Valentine’s Day is just another fun reason to go to Applebee’s on a Tuesday. But for single people, it is a day of intense and focused hatred of other people's happiness. All the things about Valentine’s Day that couples enjoy (flowers, handholding, scented candles, movies in which Reese Witherspoon and/or Paul Rudd almost don’t get to be with a person of equivalent attractiveness but then do, hot tubs, cookie cakes shaped like hearts, back rubs, smiling, doing it, etc.) serve as painful reminders for a single person that he or she is alone, grotesque, and unlovable.

So for all you single folk looking to celebrate this holiday in a manner that reflects your actual mood, why not read a book that explores the theme of frustration and solitude in a cathartic, uplifting way? Instead of crying your eyes out while watching Something's Gotta Give on TBS, why not feel comforted in your solitude by stories like The Misery of the Conquistador, The Scribes' Lament, Lie Down and Die, and Frost Mountain Picnic Massacre? Drown out all the trite happiness of your couple friends with 190 pages of gleeful, existential havoc. That's right, it's the perfect time of year to read The Great Frustration.

Anyway, that's definitely how I would plan to spend today, if it weren't for the fact that I'm going to be making out in a hot air balloon with my fiancé Natasha.

Dark Sky Magazine

The great folks at Dark Sky Magazine just recommended that you read my story Life in the Harem (Tin House 43). After giving it some serious thought, I have decided that this is sage, sage advice. I recommend following this recommendation to the very letter.

Blog Love

In news that probably wouldn't excite a person with normal priorities, I've been told that Ninth Letter has begun linking to this blog on their blog. So don't worry, that funny feeling you got the last time you were on the Internet was just the stray vibes that resulted from Ninth Letter's blog and my blog falling madly in love with each other.

Suggested use:

1.) Go to Ninth Letter's blog and click on my name.

2.) Once you've clicked on my name and have arrived safely at this blog, click on Ninth Letter's name.

3.) Repeat these steps until your computer breaks, at which point you will be of no use to anyone.

Oh! And this also means, I assume, that Ninth Letter now endorses all the opinions expressed on this blog. Especially the controversial ones. That is a tremendous step toward legitimacy for me, as well as for my one-man campaign to disband the United Nations and replace it with a Scientologist think-tank.

Anyway, I should also take this opportunity to remind you that I've got some work forthcoming in the next issue of Ninth Letter and that I couldn't be more excited about it. Keep your eyes peeled!