Times are tight. In recent years most families have been forced to cut their debut short story collection budgets dramatically, if not eliminate them altogether. But not to worry! There are plenty of ways you can support my forthcoming collection without spending so much as one hot round American dime.1.) Fill out an acquisition request form at the library.
Even if you can't purchase my book, you can still convince your library to grab a copy. Most libraries are run by nice people who want you to have access to the books you're interested in, so they should take your request to heart. However, while you're talking to them make sure you pronounce it "library" and not "lie-berry." That will help prevent them from throwing out your acquisition request form.
2.) Only have sex with people who have bought my book.
Not only will this incentivise people to buy my book in the short term, but in a few generations we might even be able to eliminate the genetic traits that cause people not to buy my book.
3.) Give my book a positive rating on Amazon and Goodreads.
I know what you're thinking: How can I give your book a positive rating if I haven't read it? But, let's face it, it's not like that would make you the first person to post an opinion on the internet despite the fact that you have no idea what you're talking about.
In order to help you out, I've written a few reviews for my book that you can adapt for your own purposes:
"The Great Frustration? More like the great short story collection!"
-Trent Banister, Stairville MA
"If I could travel back in time, the second thing I would do (right after making out with Helen of Troy and right before smacking Adolf Hitler in the face with a pipe) would be to sit down and enjoy this book for the first time all over again."
-Dr. Leroy Fice, Biosphere 2
4.) Social media the book with social media.
This one is easy. Just Facebook link some Facebook links. Tweet some tweets. Do whatever it is Tumblr does with your Tumblr account. Write a heart-melting love ballad about my book and upload the song to Youtube. Go on MySpace and design a really busy profile layout in which animated gifs of my book bounce up and down to the music of some obscure screamcore band.
5.) Ask a loved one to get you a copy for your birthday.
Happy Birthday!!!
6.) Borrow my book from a friend of yours and don't return it.
That way the friend will be forced to replace his or her copy and you will have effectively purchased my book.
7.) Send my book good vibes.
If you are a hippy, then you might be in a position to send my book good vibes. If so, please do.
8.) Find people sending my book bad vibes and stop them at all costs.
If you are a hippy who also happens to have a crazy vigilante component to your personality, then you might want to take to the streets and prevent people from sending my book bad vibes.
9.) Make a mental note to check out my book when you're a little more flush.
Yeah! No big deal. No reason to stress about it right now. You're going to get that big promotion. I just know it. And when you do, my book will be waiting to congratulate you.
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